Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)
A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help.
"Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?"
"Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000."
So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would."
"Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing."
So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too."
"Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
i think i saw the word bullshit a few times in the movie
i think i saw the word bullshit a few times in the movie
I’m frightened of elevators
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
What did the tailor give to the lawyer?
A lawsuit!!
I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many” I said. “That one is a freebie”
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
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Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack
I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
This guy walked up to the counter and said ‘Burger and chips please,’
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
My father identifies as a woman, but he never told me about it
He wasn't being very trans parent.
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen…
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I’ve said
some minority would probably mug me for it.
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
No text found
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
Alabama Pastor
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!" "I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. "Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says. "It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on." So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it. "Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back." "Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?" "Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
A young man goes to confession
He says "Father, I have sinned." The priest asks him "Tell me son, what have you done?" The young man admits "I've just cheated on my girlfriend" Priest "Oh, son, that's not good, but we all stray from God's path occasionally" "But Father, that's not the worst of it. They were twin sisters" "Son, I can see you're feeling guilty, but I'm sure you can atone…" "I'm not done, Father. They were only 18" "Son, legally and in the eyes of God…" "They were virgins, from Sweden. Blonde. They barely spoke a word of English and I took advantage of them!" The priest is getting a little flustered now "Ok, well, it's going to take some serious prayer and reflection on your sins to make your peace with the Lord." The young man continues "But Father, it was in my girlfriend's bed, while she was at the hospital visiting her sick mother" Before the priest can say anything, the young man continues: "It went on for hours. My God, they were so beautiful, I took them in turns, and both at the same time, it was wild. We fucked in the bed, on the floor, in the shower, on the kitchen bench, and then when my girlfriend walked in, I just kept going. They were insatiable…" The priest, now getting upset, says "Son, stop!" But the man continues "…I got it on video, so I can keep it for whenever I want to see it, and I can show it to my friends, and hey, do you want to see it?" The priest yells "Stop! No! I don't want to see it! Goddamit, what kind of Catholic are you?!" The man replies "I'm not a Catholic" Perplexed, the priest asks "…Then why come to church, why are you in confession? Why are you telling me all this?" "Dude… I'm telling everyone!"
Why does Waldo from the Where’s Waldo books wear stripes?
Cause he doesn’t wanna be spotted
Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.
He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading. "Why are you reading? How old are you?" "I'm 19 officer." "And her?" "Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
I found out today my toaster isn’t waterproof.
I was shocked.
Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all of the vegetables?
That's the harvest part.
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
A wife is speaking to her husband…
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier. Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes. Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
If I had a Delorean
I would probably only drive it from time to time
What’s red and bad for your teeth.
A house brick.
My 8 yr old son asked me to buy him a Lamborghini
I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
Told my friend I wanted a cup of coffee.
He said, "One sugar?" I said, "Yes, just the one cup. And don't call me sugar."
A man asked me why my clothes were gay
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?