Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
He just nuts and bolts
Tickets are non-refundable…
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
Because you can’t C in the dark
But it would be over your head.
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
He gets disqualified
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
The pupils, they dilate.
thanks for nothing.
They both only have two fans
She was just pulling my leg.
I’m a faux pas.
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
Steve: "I wish I was rich!" Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?" Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor." Officer: "That is correct." Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?" Officer: "The floor was still wet."
The second hand store.
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!