young people bad and stupid
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if itβs a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if itβs a b- me: Himbert
Imagine the titanic with a lisp..
Itβs unthinkable
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
Itβs in the game.
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
ββA pββirate gββoes tββo tββhe dββoctor aββnd sββay, “ββI hββave mββoles oββn mββe bββack aββaarrrghh”
The dββoctor: "It's oββk, tββhey're bββenign" Pirate: "ββCount aββgain, Iββ tββhink tββhere bββe tββen!"
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
Iβve been looking for my ex girlfriendβs killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I canβt believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;”papers”
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
A boys get invited to his girlfriend’s house for dinner
He gets invited to his girlfriend's house. He stops at the pharmacy and says: "Can I get a condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's house tonight and I think I'm gonna get lucky." "Sure" the pharmacist replies. As he walks out he turns around and says: "Actually, her sister has been giving me the eyes as well. You'd better give me another one" "No problem" the pharmacist replies as he hands over another. He turns to walk out again and turns around: "In fact, the mother has been giving me some signs to. I'm pretty sure she wants me the most. Can I have another?" He takes the 3 condoms and turns up at his girlfriend's house. As they all sit down to eat, they begin to say grace. As the prayer finish and they say amen, the boy keeps his head down. His girlfriend: "Wow, I didn't realise you were so religious" The boy, keeping his head down replied: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist".
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
When you say “poop” your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Whatβs the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?
You canβt milk a cow for 2,000 years.
So I entered my snail in to a race, but I took his shell off to make him faster.
It ended up making him sluggish.
People keep saying today is Pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
Why do flamingos stand with one leg up?
If both were up, they'd fall down.
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rockβs paper scissors.
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
My prepositions teacher died.
Rest on peace.
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, “I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner…”
"…has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
