Young people only love their phones
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
What did the zero say to the 8?
Nice belt
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
A guy died from laughing too much.
It was a manslaughter.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight in the nose.
Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I was really excited about the final season ~ Now I’m just sad 🤷♂️
I was really excited about the final season ~ Now I’m just sad 🤷♂️
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!"
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
I like my women like i like my computer
Turned on On my lap Virus free
It’s an exact model because the dna doesn’t change at all there’s just more of them
https://ift.tt/35YyhXa
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
Hooters
Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay."
Imagine if Americans decided to switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be a mass confusion.
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
Do I often put an orange slice in my beer?
Not really. Maybe once in a blue moon.
My korean friend died last week
So Yung
I gave away all of my dead batteries
Free of charge.
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
I found an origami porn channel.
But it's paper view only.
I had a friend whose hobby used to be rolling up and punting nun’s clothing.
He kicked the habit.
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
Why did the can-crusher man quit his job?
because it was soda-pressing
“What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-na."
An Irishman’s first drink with his son
I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do – I drank it! When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home!