Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag…
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier 😀 The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
What do you call a teacher, who retired?
A Taughter.
Finland have just closed their borders….
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up…
He should have hired her!
If you only believe in 12.5% of the bible
You're an eighth theist
I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early
The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic…
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
I have a scary math joke
But I’m 22 to say it 🙁
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
-5/6 Scientists
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off…
She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face
Because its the scenter
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working, goodbye”
What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.
I made brownies for the office, some have laxatives, some have weed.
You know, for shits and giggles.
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”. A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
If you have a threesome
You have the recommended six feet between you.
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
Some races are inferior and should be eliminated
No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.
This will probably get deleted because it’s not a clean joke, but I wanted to say thanks.
Two weeks ago a dear friend went into the hospital on bed rest with preeclampsia in hopes of keeping her baby in utero a little longer. To keep her cheered, I visited r/cleanjokes every day and sent her jokes throughout the day. She had her little preemie today … only 3 pounds but healthy. My friend told me she really looked forward to the jokes … and I found all of them here. So thank you to all of you who helped keep her cheered while she gave her precious baby more time.
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
“He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword” said Jesus
the carpenter who was nailed to some wood
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
THE PIXEEELS
THE PIXEEELS
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”