Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
Dad jokes are the best
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
“Hey Dad, why does Jesus wear a crown of thorns in every picture?”
“No idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
My dad says this every time
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
What do ducks smoke?
Quack.
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay…
They arrested me.
What do the testicles of a priest look like?
Silly question, every child knows that.
Sony, Panasonic, Toshiba.
They're all stereo types.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
Hey, thanks! (Non-joke)
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?
You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
I read a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters
It's okay I can Samurais it for you.
They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Why haven’t the aliens visited our solar system yet?
Bad reviews… only 1 star.
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot 🥕
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.
That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.
I started a ship building business in my attic
Sails are going through the roof!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
Damn You Autocorrect
A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to focus mainly on pornography. Thanks for a great first year!
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
