Your humble servant
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
Aussie Helpline
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here …What's the problem,cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up." "Bummer, mate..!" "Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
I told my wife, “I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”
She said, “Where would you find the time?” I said, “That should be easy. Next to the sage.”
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
Fibonacci
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot. Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
I like this because no matter which way you think is the right way to say it you are right
https://ift.tt/2zujMPY
My 13yo has had enough. I disagree.
https://imgur.com/a/b4uxwBM
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser
Just to take the edge off
I’ve read “ An Idiot’s Guide To Plumbing ” twice and I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.
I guess it’s going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
My wife said that I should start paying more attention to what’s going on around me.
I’ll try harder in 2018.
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
My wife told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!”
Me: Floors are beneath me.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
