Your humble servant
What are German Nazis and grammar nazis both guilty of?
Crimes against piece
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
People think that the word ‘queue’ is just ‘Q’ followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.
Especially because his name’s Steve.
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
I am so sorry reddit . . .
I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
psychologist girl and law boy
> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?” > The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" > All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. > After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” > The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” > All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”
Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony…
…of my ribbon-repair business yesterday…
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
The owner of a circus goes into the big top to inspect it
While he's there this scrawny little guy walks in. He walks over to the boss, and he says ''Are you the boss here?'' The circus owner says, ''Yeah. What do you want?'' The kid says, ''I'd like to join the circus. I got an act." The carnie is intrigued, so he says, ''Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is.'' So this little guy goes over to the center pole and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top. And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms. And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. Pshew! He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes. Then he gets all the way up and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground. Flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And once he's safe on the ground again the kid asks, ''Well, what do you think?'' The which the boss says, ''That's all you do? Bird imitations?''
How do you spell Panda?
In order to spell Panda, all you need is p and a.
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
A lot of puns
I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me. Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now. I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Nope. Unintended. Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep
Not screaming like the people in the back of his car.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Ultrasonic mist maker cured my asthma too. Rife, Lakhovsky
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3h9SE8KeYo&t=727s
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
NEWS: Chuck Norris has coronavirus.
… for breakfast.
Time zones are very confusing. Like it’s may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe
and 1954 in america Edit: *june not may
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm…
And says "A beer please and one for the road."
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Found this weird kids’ dragon toy in a store today and I thought it looked just like Nergigante, I looked it up and it turns out there is an entire series of cheap knock-off monster hunter lookalikes, they are not even trying to hide it, it’s hilarious
Found this weird kids’ dragon toy in a store today and I thought it looked just like Nergigante, I looked it up and it turns out there is an entire series of cheap knock-off monster hunter lookalikes, they are not even trying to hide it, it’s hilarious