Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter “O”…
O B C D…
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
Love is like a fart
If you have to force it it’s probably shit.
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
I switched the labels on all my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
Two faced
When my daddy first seen me, he said "oh look, he's got my smile". Mom said "That's his backside, turn him over."
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
A clown opened up my post today
No text found
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Man walks into a tuxedo shop and the associate says “do you need any help?”
The man gruffly replies "no i think im fully capable of finding my own tux!" Associate says "fine. Suit yourself."
I’m starting a tattoo business. Women who show their breasts get tattooed for free.
I'll call it 'tit for tat".
There were 3 moles living in a hole…
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
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Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
Bro, do you want a pamphlet?
Brochure!
William Shakespeare was deciding what pencil to use
2B or not 2B
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
How do you ask an Austrialian for nudes?
sapnu puas
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
