Your savior is here

What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?
Nice to meat — ew!
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
So my actor friend wants out of the “biz”
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face…
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
My teacher told me to turn in my essay…
But I ain’t no snitch.
A man applies for a job as a lumberjack
Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience? Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years. Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked? The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir. The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara desert? Well sure, that's what they call it now.
Why didn’t the husband try to catch his wife when she was falling down while she was carrying clean laundry?
He wanted to watch it all unfold!
What do you call somebody with no body, And No Nose?
No-body-Nose
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor. The old man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!" The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
Damn girl are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.
I said I didn't have time .
My wife is incredibly smart
When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”. She already knew it was me.
I tripped over my wife’s bra….
…It seemed to be a booby trap.
Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse…
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
I have a joke about math.
But I’m 2² to say it.
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, “That’s not right.” With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle. “Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
If lightning always follows the path of least resistance
Why doesn't it only strike in France?
So there’s a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.
One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator. "Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, the boss wants to know where it is" Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about" The translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about". Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?" The translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?" Deaf man reiterates to the translator through the sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!" The translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about" The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table and points a gun to the accountant's head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW" Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here" Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!" Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!" Translator says, "Well, boss, he said go fuck yourself"
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.

Have I discovered the only boomer comic that doesn’t shame millennials/zoomers?
https://ift.tt/2u1Pst7
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"