Your Teen Comes Home And You Smell Marijuana. Now What? This Calls For Air Guitar 😎
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House…
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes: Mexican contractor: 3 million Italian Contractor: 7 million Israeli Contractor: 10 million After a while Trump asked the Mexican – Why did you ask for 3 million. The Mexican said:-One million in paint, one million in labor and one million profit. He asked the Italian why he was asking 7 million. Italian replied:-3 million in high quality painting, 2 million in specialized workforce and 2 million gain. He asked the Israeli why he was asking 10 million. The Israeli responded: Don Trump my friend – 4 million for you, 3 million for me, And with the 3 million leftovers we pay the Mexican to paint!!!
We call it testing in production
just a virus
Found it at the doctor’s office
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
I quit my job at McDonald’s today…
Boss was a clown
My teacher reminding his classes the true horrors of Halloween
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Filling the void
There is no constant in differentiation
Dictionary to Thesaurus: When are you ever better than me?
Thesaurus: I can give you more than one example.
Parser be like
Why does god hate us?
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
I don’t hate bread
I loaf it 🍞
I was going to start a bourbon company,
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
The truth hurts sometimes.
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
70,000 fewer deaths if literally anyone else was President
Don’t you dare entry our territory
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
MonkeyUser – AI Training Datasets
Killing a child
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
If I really do I’ll die
I’ll go when my code passes all the test cases
Fight or flight 24/7
I don’t mean to toot my own horn
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.
Very Stable indeed.
Found in my own grandmother’s house…
I like the way you are thinking
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you… There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Red State Socialism
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
Who said proxies can’t be fun?
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because they get to switch sides halfway through.
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
How to print new line in Spanish…
Can’t think of good title.
Looks Like 90% of My Code
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
Am I the only one?
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
The advantages of Corona virus…
Man this had me crying
When a nominee has to save the lives of their opponent’s supporters
Oh the irony
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dislexic and an agnostic?
Somebody who stays up all night, debating whether or not there is a dog.
Saw 10 homeless ants
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
When u change ur profession but ur basics are strong…
A bunch of electricians threw a party
It was lit
What’s a pirate’s favorite country?