You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT??
Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
I recently broke up with my ex. She hated how bad at directions I am.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
Knock knock / Whoโs there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind itโs pointless.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister go to a blood drive
The rabbit says โIโm pretty sure Iโm a type-oโ
My dadโs answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasnโt a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
With relationships, they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea…
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
Just so everybodyโs clearโฆ
Iโm going to put my glasses on…
I told my son to not marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the manโs ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "Itโs just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that sheโll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, โI want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'โ The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sisterโs blonde. Sheโll read it slow."
Male anatomy isnโt the same as female anatomy.
In fact, thereโs a Vas Deferens.
Did my first Uber shift last night till 5am and I forgot to charge each customer.
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
We cannot allow this year to end
That would be admitting that 2021
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.
If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
Did you know vampires arenโt real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Are you the enemy of my enemy?
Asking for a friend.
Why is giving blood easy in Taiwan?
Because everyone is Taipei.
THIS is what I saw when I turned on my computer today… What year is it again?
https://ift.tt/2qaiYuH
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
โPoor old fool.โ thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought heโd humor the old man and asked, โSo how many have you caught today?โ
The old man replied, โYouโre the eighth.โ
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
I was using ancestry.com and I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I canโt even look myself in the mirror.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
A century ago, two brothers claimed it was possible to fly
They were Wright
Did you know Rick Astley was a huge Pixar fan? He will lend you any movie except one.
Heโs never gonna give you Up.
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldnโt see himself doing it
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus