“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
The nurse kept insisting my blood was Type-A
I said "NO! IT MUST BE A TYPE-O"
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly?
A meander-thal.
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
Don’t date tennis players…
Love means nothing to them
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Keith. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "Well, she just died and left me everything."
![[NSFW] religious boomer humor](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/hujfv3di81r41-400x578.jpg)
Why was the horse so smelly?
Because the cow gave him a pat on the back!
My chickens got really upset when their home was destroyed.
But they'll recoup.
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2Od2utX
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
During this pandemic I’ve been drinking a lot of brake fluid
But it's okay because I can stop whenever I want
Why is it that chinese kids don’t believe in santa?
Because they’re the ones making the toys!
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just don’t see it.
No Kidding Only Coding, A funny satirical article on daily dilemma of an Indian Parent
https://ift.tt/3h1Ha88
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
Surprise, it was an apple, but with very little memory. Just one byte. Then everything crashed.
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?” The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.” “What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi. “I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi. “What did he say?” asked the man. He said, “Funny you should come to me…”
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
