you’re lying

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
My girlfriend broke up with me. So i took her wheel chair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
Bouncer?
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "Why?" "I don't know who you are and this is my trampoline."
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
Conjunctivitis.com
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym
Because no one can spot him
What’s the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws
Outlaws are wanted.
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
My grandad always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
Three construction workers are sitting down on a beam of a skyscraper to eat their lunch…
First guy says, "Tuna fish on rye again? I tell ya. If that bitch makes me tuna fish on rye again tomorrow, I'm just going to jump off this building and kill myself!" Second guy says, "Leftover meatloaf for the third day in a row! If I gotta eat this crap one more day, I'm just going to jump off this building and end it all!" Third guy says, "Bologna sandwiches again! Yuck! If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm just gonna jump." The next day, the first guy opens his lunch. He sees it's a tuna on rye, and he yells, "FUCK!!!" and he jumps off the building and splatters on the street below. The second guy opens his lunch box. "Goddamn meatloaf again! That's it!" And he leaps to his death as well. Splat! The third guy opens his lunch box. "FUCK!" he says. "Bologna! Goodbye, world!" And he steps off the girder too. A moment later, he splatters on the street below. At the funeral, the widows are sobbing and crying to the heavens. "Oh, Joe! If you'd only you'd told me you didn't like tuna fish! I would have made you something else!" And she breaks down, inconsolable. The second widow tears at her shirt. "Bill! Dear sweet Bill! Why didn't you tell me you hated meatloaf so much! I had a fridge full of cold cuts of all types!" And she collapses to the floor, heartbroken. Everybody looks at the third widow, sitting there knitting all by herself. She looks up and realizes they're staring. "Don't look at me," she says. "That idiot packed his own lunches."
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
When I get into the shower naked
The shower gets turned on.
Three men in a boat with three cigarettes but no matches, how do they smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
What do you call a yeti tattoo on your stomach?
Abdominal snowman
Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome…
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
Life is like a dick
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
In a dad-a-base
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
“Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"