You’re so ugly that I’m going to have to stop drinking
just in case I start seeing two of you…
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
What’s the difference between a kiss and anal sex?
A kiss will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
I didn’t think my dad would steal from his job as a road worker.
But when i got home, all the signs were there.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time
Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
A man wanted to have sex with a nun
A man wanted to have sex with a nun he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
Seeing six topless women sounds nice…
Dozen tit
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
The guys who wrote the song “Maneater” started a horse-feed delivery service.
They called it "Haulin' Oats."
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
No text found
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
What was Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEEEEEYE!!!….
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD
It was here a minute ago Edit : fixed the spelling
How do you make any boat a hat?
You flip it over and it becomes capsized.
WHAT DO WE WANT? LOW FLYING PLANES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.
He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!" St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?" God says, "Yep." Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole. Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history. St. Peter, astonished says, "You call that punishment?" God replies, "Yep. There was nobody around to see it."
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
The Queen just knighted the first cow in history.
He is Sirloin.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
