You’re so vain
orion’s belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
Two lesbians go on a date, who pays for it?
The guys that think they're on a double date
It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.
He asked the Pirate Captain. “Why do you have a wooden leg?” The Pirate Captain replied. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”. The boy then asked. “Why do you have a hook for a hand?” The Pirate Captain said. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace what’s gone”. The boy finally asked. “Why do you have a glass eye?” The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied. “A grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eye”. The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy. “Argh. It was me first day with the hook”.
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
My dad’s favourite joke. Mine too.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
I couldn’t believe my friend when he said he sterile…
I said, "no kidding?!"
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. 😌
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter
Which sucks because he had a great fall
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
The quarantine has brought a bountiful harvest to the family group chat from my mother
https://ift.tt/2QV4ppk
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. " The blonde look around and says " Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes…"
Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
I named my eraser Confidence
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirate…
Her name was Mae T
Never fight a dinosaur,
You'll just get jurass-kicked.
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
“Has your dog got a name?”
"Yes," I replied. "It's called a Labrador."
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar
She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!” “Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It was just lowercase.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters! For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on." The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sake, buy yourself a razor!"