You’re the wurst
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
[first day as a pilot]
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed
What kind of organization does an atheist start?
A non-prophet one
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
I wanted a tattoo of the number 3.14 on my arm…
But my wife said that was irrational.
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says…
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
Three men die and go to heaven
three men named Mike, Ricky, and Randy arrive to st Peters pearly gates, they are greeted by Peter: “welcome guys, mike please come in first.” Mike walks through the gates where then a Ferrari awaits him. Peter: “Here Mike, my records show me that you have never cheated on your wife, thus you have a Farrari to drive in heaven for eternity. Now Ricky, please enter.” Ricky walks through the pearly gates where he sees a Toyota there for him. Peter: “ Hello Ricky, my records show me that you have cheated on your wife 2 times, you are now stuck with this 1998 Toyota as your car for eternity. Now Randy, come in.” Randy enters and sees a Push bike laying on the ground for him. Peter: “ Randy, I am disappointed in you, my records show you have cheated on your wife 8 times. You now can only ride your bike around for eternity. As all men have passed through the pearly gates, Randy and Ricky see Mike sitting in his Ferrari, crying his eyes out. They go up to him and say: “Mikey, what’s up why are you crying, you are sitting in a Ferrari?!” Mike answers: “g-guys… I just saw my wife roll by on a s-skateboard.
I bet prostitutes cause temporary blindness.
All they do is flash and bang people.
Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog.
It was a pretty Shih Tzu
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student: What's food? A European student: What's scarcity? An American student: What are 'other countries'? A Chinese student: What's 'my own opinion'?
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m out standing in my field…
But hay, it's in my jeans.
The recipe said, “Put the stew in at 180 degrees” , so I did…
Now it's all over the bottom of the oven…
#2537: Do you have a vagina?
A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this. Man: Do you have a vagina? Woman slams the door in disgust The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again". The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this" The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? " The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".
A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight…
The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.
how many bones are in your hand?
A handful
Joke
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
I hope they're happy
