You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin’ Terry
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Because tea leaves.
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
There was no chemistry
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
So I packed my things and right.
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
Because they do everything single-handedly.
They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”
A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
He's a small arms dealer
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
It comes in at one end, and out the udder
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
But sadly none of them work.
7 was a registered six offender
Put an apple logo on your product.
I know, it was a stretch.
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The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
No text found
His father grounded him
A small medium at large
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
Because they're really good at it.
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
He won the no-bell prize.