“You’ve been naughty, you’re getting shit!”
Pussy and Bitch
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are? He says, "Well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him, "Pussy and bitch." Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle.
I’m trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is
But everyone keeps saying it's private
![[NSFW] Carl what’s wrong with you??](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/6wurac3p4q841-400x462.jpg)
I know every single digit of pi.
I just don’t know the order of them
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
I got an email that said “You have won £36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details.”
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome God: creates birds
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching its face
I’m not sure why we don’t classify churches as businesses.
They are for-prophet organizations, after all.
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat
What do you call a beehive that has no exits?
Un-bee-leavable
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..One’s a Corona virus and the other’s a Verona crisis.
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
Teacher : Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student : I is the … Teacher : Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student : OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
2 blonds are in heaven….
One asked the other: "how did you die?" "I froze to death" said the second blond "That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death. It's sort of calming. How did you die? " "Well, " says the first blonde, " I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me. I came home unexpectedly and went upstairs to find him on the bed naked. I checked the basement, but no one was there. I ran up to the second floor and checked every room, but no one was there. I ran all the way to the attic, but I had a massive heart attack and I died." "Wow, " says the second blonde, "If you checked the freezer we would both be alive."
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months and
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
I saw 2000 pounds of quarters the other day
That’s a ton of money!
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
What’s a happy cowboy’s favorite candy?
Jolly ranchers
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
if u didnt spend 6 hours automating a task that takes you 30 seconds did you really do work
https://ift.tt/3duj3Nn
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
What concert costs just 45 cent?
50 Cent ft. Nickelback
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
