Yup
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother
until my mom took the urn from me.
A picture went to jail today,
I think it was framed.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
Who can drink two litres of gasoline?
Jerry can.
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
‘At a restaurant with food still on my plate’ Server: “You wanna box for that?”
Me: 'It's not worth fighting over'
My phone loves it when I drop it
It always cracks up
How often do people die in hospitals?
Just once.
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable?
One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.
I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
I know he means well. (Since my last well-joke did well (pun intended) I thought this would be a nice follow-up)
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
Starting a mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
How do you make Easter easier?
Replace the t with an i.
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car?
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz…
"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny. "What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets his cookie. "And what did you do on recess, Suzy?" Suzy replied that she played in the sandbox with Johnny and Leroy. "Spell 'box' and you will get a cookie." Says the teacher. Suzy correctly spelled box and got her cookie. "Leroy, what did you do during recess?" The teacher asked. He replied, with tears in his eyes "Well, I tried to play in the sandbox with Johnny and Suzy, but they just threw rocks at me and called me a N$%%ER!" The teacher looked at Leroy and said "Well my goodness! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" "So, Leroy, spell 'blatant racial discrimination' and you'll get a cookie!"
A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
I turned 18 today, and to celebrate I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…
I guess I really am independent!
I will never make an elevator joke
I refuse to go that level
What did the DJ name his son?
https://ift.tt/338Kd76
I recently went to my Mom and Dad’s house for a visit.
There was an old picture hanging on the wall of me and my Brothers. It turns out that when the picture was taken, I was living in a completely different frame of mind.
I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.
She said "They're right behind you".
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.” His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” “In the pool.”