Yup
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
I walked downstairs to find my daughter eating cereal in complete darkness
I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?" "A cereal killer" she replied. I have taught her well.
Punguins
/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a supermarket had been built in his garden.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
https://ift.tt/34gMyyz
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.” She asked, “Which doctor?”
"No, the regular kind."
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
Two gay men are travelling…
…on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill. "Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve. "You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
A newly wed couple are in bed together
A newly wed couple are in bed together. The wife reaches over to grab her husband. "Oh my God, it's so big" she said. The husband gave a pleased hum. "Are they all this big?" She asked. "More or less," he said. "It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed. "Yeah," he said nonplussed. "I want this so bad," she moaned. "I can see that," he replied amused. "Half the time the pockets on my pants are fake!" Note: this was an actual conversation I had with my wife
Did you hear about the electrician who played guitar?
He was really good with his chord changes
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
Double Negative !
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar…
And checks his clock. "1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" – Thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up" So he asks the barman for a coffe, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him: -So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day? The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool: -Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers. The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds: -The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.