The invention of the shovel
Was groundbreaking
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.” Then “Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex
During a war, Communists are Russian
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
Got into a fight with a vending machine
Had to knock some cents into it
Today, in honor of 4/20, I’m letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.
It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
“Employers, what’s the most inappropriate thing someone’s worn to a job interview?”
https://ift.tt/2VxmLxC
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.
My friend is trying to market his design for an invisible aeroplane.
I can’t see it taking off.
In America some dogs are K-9
In China some dogs are E-10
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.
I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
A photon checks into a hotel.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
What liquid is considered the fastest in the world?
Milk, because it can be pasteurized before you even see it.
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
Vladimir Putin has been visiting all the old U.S.S.R. Countries.
You could say it was a Soviet Reunion.
There was two windmills in a field
One asked the other “What type of music do you like?” The other replied “Well I’m a big metal fan”
Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.
I’m not fucking lying.
As screenshot of a share of a photo of a computer with a bad joke on facebook
https://ift.tt/2MZuMbF
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t…
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far…
Damn you, autocorrect
Damn you to he’ll
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye
Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
An Irishman and his son went to the zoo…
A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age” The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times. “Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!” The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun… A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice… “Bajaysus that’s right” said the father, “I am farty two!”
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀