Yup. Would probably do something like dropping the phone on my face or refrigerating the laundry :P
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
True story but funny.
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Why was the restaurant so slow?
The servers were down.
I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
Why is leather great for sneaking around?
Because it's made of hide!
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
Why is soy sauce forbidden in fights?
Cause you should never Kikkoman when he’s down.
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador
I just flew in from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for Fresh Prints.
“No Jews Allowed”
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: 'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.' Sending a written message, the captain replied: 'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .' Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous). At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.' 'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'
I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?
It was about a weak back.
My stupid cousin thinks he’s collected one of every board game ever made.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store.
It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.
I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke…
she would have $0.77
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
