Zero IQ
My friend keeps making up imaginary Middle Eastern countries..
I have to remind him what Israel.
It all
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I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
I dig, You dig, He digs, She digs, We dig, They dig.
Its not a long poem but its very deep
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt! Courtesy of my 11-year-old, Ben.
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
What makes a good tongue twister?
Well, it’s hard to say.
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
I invented a new word
Plagiarism!
A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash…
They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused. "My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free of sin". Eager to return to their lives the men all agree, and POOF they appear back on Earth. They stand awestruck, wondering if what they had just experienced was real or just a dream. The thief notices a woman walking with an expensive looking purse. Convinced that he had only imagined the gates of heaven he rushes and attempts to steal the purse and POOF he disappears. Realizing what just happened the others understand that they must truly live without sin. The Irishman looks to his left and sees a pub. "One drink won't hurt" he says as he orders a pint. He lifts the cup to his lips and POOF he disappears. The Jewish schoolboy looks down and sees a coin that fell from the vanishing Irishman's pocket. He bends down to pick it up, fully aware that greed is a sin, and POOF the priest disappears.
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth
RIP boiling water. You will be mist :(
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A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
Target suggesting I travel over 4500 miles to buy my daughter a $200 bike today.
https://ift.tt/2Y0PiPb
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with buying condos?
He had an apartment complex.
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can’t defend the towers