Zoom Meeting Gone Wrong…
Science gave us skyscrapers and airplanes…
Religion brought them together
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
to be frank,
I'd have to change my name
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
3.14% of sailors are…
π-rates.
My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin
It's what he would have wanted…
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.
Being homeschooled sucks.
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today.
I guess you could say he was Van Halen.
In my career as a lumberjack I cut exactly 58,274 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
How do you catch a cursor fish?
click bait
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
What do chemists do with the dead?
They Barium
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
My daughter hates soup alphabet, but when I am feeding her, I am saying she loves it.
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"